If you clicked on the title to learn more, I already know what you're thinking. You want to be a social media super star, but you're afraid it's too late.
Everybody who was nobody has already become somebody. All the top spots are taken and the good ideas are gone. And all the lucky breaks have been filled by people who have never known anything about marketing before social media came around.
But what if I told you it's not too late?
What if I told you that your lucky break is right around the corner? That you can still rise to the top of social media sophistry and Internet rhetoric. And that you, more than anybody else, could be the nobody you always dreamed about becoming.
Don't laugh. This is powerful stuff.
By following my slam dunk social media program developed by observing the tactics and behaviors of a few super successful social media giants over two decades, you too can become a super social media rock star success story. You won't have to work hard to achieve your goal. All you have to do is follow six simple steps.
Sure, it sounds unbelievable. But it's also very, very true.
To prove it, I'm going to give you the first five steps free, with no strings attached. That's right. Absolutely free. Are you ready? I hope so. In fact, if you're not already sitting down, you might want to right now.
Six Steps To Slam Dunk Social Media.
1. Proclaim blogs dead and start on social networks. It worked three years ago and it works today too. All the real action is happening on Twitter and Facebook.
Start with Twitter because it's especially easy. With a commitment of only 140 characters or less, you can tweet about virtually nothing. And the more nothing you tweet about the better. What is important is the number of tweets. You need at least 2,500 tweets to be taken seriously about the nothing you write about.
Don't have any ideas? No problem. Retweeting what other people tweet about counts. It's called generosity. Better yet, the more you retweet other people, the more people will retweet you, even if all you do is retweet other people. As your reciprocal retweets grow, so does your following.
2. Build that following. No experience needed. This is when the heavy lifting kicks into overdrive. Search for people who autofollow and set your account to autofollow. You don't even have to have anything in common. Sheer mass is a measure that people pay attention to. More followers equals more followers.
This tactic will get you the followers you want, whether you deserve them or not. Companies are especially good about this. Their social media experts have to demonstrate more followers each and every week. So, they are willing to follow just about anyone who follows them. But you can look for lists too.
You don't have to like the company. You don't have to buy from them. You don't even have to read their tweets as long as you have Tweetdeck to filter them out of the very few people you will actually talk to.
Once you reach a good number of followers, target people within a range of 500 followers less than you or more than you. Why? Those 500 under you will be grateful you noticed. And those with 500 or more than you are looking for followers too. (Bonus: this works for bloggers too.)
But that's not all there is to it. When you reach about 5,000 followers, turn on Auto DMs to direct them to your Facebook page where they can find the same content you post on Twitter. It's the easiest most effective way to inflate your following there too.
3. Start a blog and write about other people. It doesn't matter if you proclaimed blogs dead on social networks a few months ago. Nobody reads old tweets anyway. You simply need to say that your followers compelled you to start a blog. And what kind of creep would you be if you didn't listen?
I know. Starting a blog seems like such hard work, but it doesn't have to be. Just rehash old topics covered by other bloggers with a new twist. Most of them won't even notice. And those who do will probably write about you writing about them. Memes work too.
Sure, your teachers used to call this collusion or even plagiarism. But online, things are different. Social media experts call it reciprocity. Or in other words, the less original content at this stage the better for you to become a guru. Make it about them and they will lift you to the stars.
Feeling lightheaded yet? There's more. When you have enough traffic on your blog, start writing posts about how you were one of the very first bloggers. It doesn't matter when you actually started. Just pick a date when you can say you started something like a blog. Maybe it was a junior high school diary. Or, it could have been letters to your grandma. Or, if provided your parents did it more than once, there is nothing wrong with calling your ultrasounds your introduction to life streaming.
4. Lift the ladder and start to cash in. When you have about 10,000 to 40,000 followers, it's time to lift the ladder. You don't have to make your blog about them anymore. And you don't have to read their blogs. It's all about you or who you want to be.
You can even write a sappy blog post about how everyone still matters to you, but you just can't keep up any longer. This is also the right time to turn off your autofollow, chastise people who use autofollow, and dump at least 75 percent of your following. Just don't forget to tell them how very, very sorry you are to have no choice but to unfollow them.
The good news is that your influence will suddenly shoot through the roof! And that is much more important than a few broken hearts. Besides, if they want you to pay attention to them, they now need to earn it. Tell them to join your new Facebook fan page, blog group, or super secret newsletter about nothing.
The cool thing about the newsletters is that you can sell their names to junk mail houses and telemarketers. It is the first stage of cashing in on social media. Woo hoo! Sound too good to true? We haven't even scratched the surface yet. By now, you will be in the prime position to receive blogola (freebies for favorable reviews), paid posts (but never on your primary blog), and maybe even sponsorship ads anywhere and everywhere possible. Foreheads are especially lucrative. Just ask Seth Godin.
5. Surprise everyone with a pay wall. When you finally start to hit the big time and you are the nobody you always dreamed to be, it's time to give up on free content about nothing. People need to pay for the nothing you offer. Not only is it good money, but making people pay for it reminds them that you, and not they, are the expert.
If you do this really well, you can even convince people to volunteer their time to help you create content that they will then pay to read. How cool is that? Just remember to include a disclaimer that any idea, comment, or conversation they post on any of your social media assets is owned by you, forever and ever.
Even better, you can also start charging companies hundreds and thousands of dollars in consultation fees even if you have never had a client before. You don't have to show a portfolio, case study, or degree in anything. Your super fantastic online presence is proof enough. And if they don't like it, tell your followers to write bad things about them.
6. The super secret sixth slam dunk step.
There is only one more thing to do in order to achieve a level of success that rivals Chris Brogan, Brian Solis, and John Chow. Do you want to know what it is? Do you really?
I would be happy to tell you for the very modest price of $499.95. That's under $500.
Now, I know it seems like an awful lot of money. And normally, I would just give it away for free. However, I am afraid if I just gave away this secret without charging a nominal amount, you just wouldn't value it. Studies show that people value things that they have to pay for much more than anything they received for free. I am sure you understand.
If you would like to order the sixth step today, send me an e-mail in the next 14 days because this super secret step will only be offered for a limited time before I close the book on it forever. So don't delay. Just make sure you read the last line before sending in your payment that will guarantee you will become nobody twice as fast as you ever thought possible.
Happy April Fool's Day. All my best. And thanks to all those mentioned for being good sports.
